Night 1: damage control.
Delhi sucker-punched me last night. Never in my life have I ever been so scared, lost, lonely, or desperately regretting traveling on my own.
I was picked up at the airport by a representative of my organization, and taken to a “hostel” where I was told I’d be spending the night. Orientation would be in the morning, but he didn’t know what time, or where.
The combination of jet lag, missing my family, and unknown details about my next day, led to easily the worst night of my life. Throw in the heat and humidity of Delhi, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
The jet jag was the worst part. It can be incredibly dangerous, not just because of what it does to your body, but what it does to the most stable and happy of minds.
I scared myself with the thoughts I was having about life, traveling, my relationships, etc. I sat up for hours, tears streaming down my face basically confused about any reason why I would want to travel thousands of miles away to help people I didn’t know. I went back in forth on my own mind questioning the motives of my closest friends, family, and people that have always supported me.
More then anything, I questioned the point of life. I have never once struggled with depression, or anxiety, but after just a few hours of being alone and emotional, I had all but convinced myself there was no reason to continue living.
I hadn’t even been in Delhi for a full 10 hours, and it had broken me down. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Why am I here?
What’s the point?
I can’t leave, because everyone will think I’m a quitter.
If I can’t handle this, I’ll never amount to anything.
I struggled to think of anything that could make me smile or laugh.
The day-to-day tasks of life overwhelmed my mind with their monotony and seemingly pointlessness.
It was terrifying.
So I called my dad. In a panic, I’ll admit. It was a last resort – I usually never reach out to people because I know they’ll just worry. (Or in my dad’s case, move heaven and earth to get me home where I am safe and happy).
He was able to settle me down, convincing me that a pb and j, and some sleep would make everything better, and I’d feel ok in the morning.
Of course he was right, but its still difficult being here. New places are always scary, but Delhi has its own way of bringing about feelings of anxiety and stress to a girl to hardly feels either.
We’ll see what the following days bring.
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