Defeated at 5am
Admitting defeat is always the hardest thing for me. I’m not sure I’ve ever actually successful, completely and entirely admitted that I couldn’t do something.
I have always prided myself in doing the adventurous thing, the cool fun out-there thing that will impress people.
The decision to spend 8 months traveling, by myself, was one of those “people will think this is great” decisions. On top of that, it had the bonus of me getting to see parts of the world that have always been on my bucket list. India being at the top.
Now that I’ve been here for the brief 2 days, the regret of taking on such a big task is sinking in. I’m scared. I really am truly scared. Being seemingly alone in a country of over a billion people is a terrifying feeling.
On top of that, the food makes me sick, the heat prevents me from sleeping, and my work is completely confusing and unstructured.
Not only am I working at an all-girls orphanage, but I live there as well. The volunteer room is hot – just like the rest of India – and the food they serve (despite being delicious) is so spicy that I can’t possibly eat it. Even if I could, I know my digestive system will have a hard time processing anything.
Subsequently, I am either starving or running to the bathroom. It’s the worlds worst dieting plan.
All in all, I am defeated. India has defeated me, physically, emotionally and mentally, all in a short 2 days.
I’m so disappointed in myself.
The question that remains is, what now? Do I stay here, miserable and “tough it out?” because that’s the cool, adventurous thing to do?
Or is it ok to admit defeat, and move on? More then anything, I would like to find a hotel, get a good night’s sleep and some food, and head home. Home to Minnesota where I have my family and friends, and familiarity.
But what’s so adventurous about that?
Not to mention all the questions that then brings to mind…
Does this mean I’m a quitter?
What about my career as a travel photographer? If I can’t do 2 days in India, how the hell am I suppose to make a living off of photos of the foreign places that others don’t visit?
If I don’t do photography, what do I do?
It seems like my entire life depends on whether I “tough it out”
The things about you that impressed me the short time that I have known you are all about your energy, your zest for discovery, your desire to share and your charge to improve yourself. Your vision of the world as seen through you photographs captures all of that and more....it captures your sense of adventure and especially your courage. You are and will continue to be courageous to yourself as you wrestle and adjust to your new world. Remember, this is your life, your world and you are living it to be who you are and what you want to give. Thanks for having that courage to share your fears...I would not have expected anything differently.
Kristen- you do not have to prove anything to anybody! Only you know your needs and wants and what you should be responsible for. You may be feeling lonely but always remember you are not alone.wherever you are. all those who have supported you in this endeavor will support you in your next... even if it happens before you planned. so feel good with whatever decisions you choose to make...whenever you make them or wherever they take you. and don't forget there's a hug waiting for you!
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